Some days I wish I could just shut my brain off. Some days, from the moment I wake up, my head is already full of swirling thoughts, goals, tasks and worries. Sometimes, I can’t even pinpoint the source of my worry… it just feels heavy. When days like this happen, I try to go through the list of things that help me cope with my anxiety (see that list here!) but sometimes, ‘Karen’ just wins.
The honest truth is, this is hard to put out there. It’s hard to own my truth in front of everyone. It’s hard to express to the world that some days are just HEAVY and that sometimes I don’t really have a reason why. Just like everyone else, I am afraid of being judged for my thoughts and feelings. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of pursuing dreams that feel like just that- DREAMS. But, here I am being vulnerable and real for the sake of a dream. I feel like I have to put this out there because there HAS to be someone else who can completely relate and that is my ultimate goal of this blog. Even when there are days I feel completely alone and there are days I just don’t feel like sharing, I know speaking my truth and struggle HAS to help at least one other person, whether I get feedback or not, whether someone else wants to admit their own truth or not – I know there are others feeling the same way I do out there… and I want you to know that I am here in it, too – you’re not alone.
Here’s another truth- I’m 29 years old and I don’t know what the hell I want. I go through the daily motions, I try hard to keep a photography business afloat and I am pursuing this blog as a long-time dream, but I ultimately don’t know what I truly want from it. My mind is cloudy most days on what my goals are and they change all the time. Subtle opportunities present themselves occasionally and instead of saying “Fuck it!”, taking a seat and just going for the ride, I hang off the side contemplating whether or not I should jump off or stick around. The most frustrating part is that I KNOW that I am the only person holding me back from success, but some days I just feel plain lost in it all and totally directionless. It’s frustrating. It’s messy. It feels ridiculous. But it’s REAL. It’s a struggle some days just to get out of my own way and that’s REAL.
So what do I do when I feel this stuck? Well, I just keep moving forward. That’s all I can do. Some days, I don’t move an inch… and I try to take that as a sign that it’s what I need in that moment. It feels lazy. It feels sloppy. It feels like failure. But sometimes, you just need NOTHING when your head is full of EVERYTHING. As humans striving for the “American Dream”, we have been brainwashed into believing that taking this kind of time for yourself is lazy and wrong and it’s hard not to feel anxious and guilty about that. Sometimes the guilt consumes me. I feel like I should be doing more and more. But the reality is that I need to work on my SELF and my mind… and that takes time and can sometimes feel like a full time job. Untangling thoughts and emotions is a tough process and it’s time that we accept that truth and stop making it so taboo to have FEELINGS.
I am speaking to anyone who needs to hear it, including my god damn SELF- it’s okay to feel stuck/ unworthy/ lost/ guilty/ sad/ unmotivated… but RECOGNIZE IT and OWN IT. Work on it and through it. But don’t let it consume you and change you. Don’t lose sight of your goals, even if they seem far fetched or out of your league. Here’s another truth- YOU create YOUR OWN league. While it might feel like it in this world of social media and societal “expectations”, there are NO actual set rules for how you should live your life… you get to live it however the hell you want! What a concept! Letting go of other people’s opinions and judgements will be the only thing to push us forward… or we can sit here and let them hold us back… like I do often, like I feel very heavily about today… but in owning my truth right now, recognizing that this is part of what holds me back from dreaming and being excited about future goals, I am able to move forward from it. I might not be able to let go today, but I will work through tomorrow… and the next day and the next day. Building confidence takes time and patience, especially through a messy, tangled mind… but I will get there… and so will you.
To the you who deserves to follow a dream even if it literally just began as an exciting passing thought, the you who deserves to love yourself because this is literally the only life and body you get, to the you who wants more for your life than to sit around wondering how it’s all going to turn out… YOU CAN GET PAST THIS. YOU CAN BE SUCCESSFUL. YOU CAN BE A MOTHER FUCKING BAD ASS AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD. You just have to own your truth, put your bullshit out there and realize a lot of people won’t really give a shit or they might think you’re just a whiny bitch… WHO CARES. Guess what? Everyone else’s opinions are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Take your day to be sad and lost and feel your feelings. But recognize that your thoughts are just THOUGHTS that your anxiety is creating, they don’t have to be your reality. Every day you work on yourself and your mind, even if it’s 5 minutes out of your day, is one day closer to becoming exactly who you want to be, even if you don’t know who that is just yet. That version of you is waiting for you to tell ‘Karen’ to sit down and shut the hell up. That version of you is waiting to live the life you are meant to live. Own it and go get that shit. I’m right there with you.