First of all, I want to thank you for all you do for this little family- for the hours you work, for the middle of the night feeds and changes, for the consoling of tears and for making our baby smile. I want to thank you for having my back through pregnancy and being right by my side during the wild journey that is labor, delivery and recovery. Your efforts are so appreciated and do not go unnoticed…
…but honey, my love, my sweet husband- I just can’t help some nights where I want to cut you. When I’ve woken up for the third time in 4 hours to our fussing child and you’re blissfully snoring next to me… I may or may not dream of ways I could hide your body where no one could find it. And for this, I want to apologize…
I’m sorry if I’ve been short with you. I’ve been giving every waking moment to our baby who won’t nap today. While you get to talk to other adults at work, I have spent my day asking my 3 month old what I can do to make her happy, talking to myself and talking to the dog… no one responds.
I’m sorry if I snapped at you. My body, which grew and carried this life you hold, still aches from all the changes and trauma it has been through. I’m sure my hormones are still off the charts and not to mention the headaches I’ve been having since she has entered this world. I’ve spent all day trying to console her and maybe catch a nap myself… I don’t really have to tell you though, that that didn’t happen.
I’m sorry I haven’t been “in the mood”, but I did have an IUD inserted so we could have sex without getting pregnant again just yet. It’s been making me crampy and tired… and the random spotting of blood has ruined several pairs of underwear. And I don’t know if you remember, but our child ripped me apart on the way out and I had to be sewn up down there, forgive me if I’m apprehensive.
Also, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but my body hurts.
I’m sorry if I get angry with you when you get to just go to bed… because I can’t just crawl into those sheets and drift off to sleep with you. Instead, have to pump milk from my breasts to feed our child and if I don’t, they will become hard and sore and leak all over the bed. Once I’m done doing everything for everyone else, I then have time to wash my face, brush my teeth and climb into bed only to lay awake while my anxiety plays a sweet selection of embarrassing and annoying moments from my past.
I’m sorry if I’ve been distant. To avoid arguing about who is more tired (*cough, cough* it’s me) I choose not to engage in that conversation. Mostly because I just don’t have the energy for it. My everything- my emotions, my energy, my time, my life has all been given to this baby today. By the time you come home, I have very little left to give.
No I don’t want to snuggle, I’m sorry, I’ve had a human and a dog attached to me all day.. I need some space. Don’t take it personal. I still love you.
No I don’t want to cook you dinner, but I will because I haven’t had a moment to make an actual meal all day for myself.
While I am sorry for all of these things- I need you to remember all that I’ve been through and am going through. I know I seem fine… I carry it well. I know I get to be home all day while you’re at work, but it’s lonely. I know I’m back to working out, but don’t mistake that for me not being in pain still… I’m trying to do it for my sanity. I know it seems all good most days, because while this season of my life is hard, it’s also amazing and so full of love- but I’ve already ridden a complete roller coaster of emotions over the last 12 hours. By the time you come home, I’ve got nothin’ left.
I’m sorry I can’t be everything I was before this little human came into our lives, but I’m learning to be this NEW version. I’m busy upgrading. Please try not to make me feel guilty for all I’m NOT doing in the process.
I love you and you’re amazing… but please let me spiral into this social media wormhole I’m about to be in while my brain and heart rests. It will get better for all someday soon.
But not today. And probably not tomorrow either.
Love, most days,
Tired baby moms everywhere